{warning: this will most definitely be a whiny , complaining post, which i KNOW i have absolutely no right to do so due to the fact that it took me exactly 18 months to finally get pregnant. but listen, i'm pregnant, i'm hormonal, and well that's a good enough reason for any act of behavior.}
jax is getting a brother.
yep, so its a boy.
today was a very very very hard day for me. i believe i have now gathered myself enough to write this.
i've told myself on and off that this baby was a boy. but i told myself this in a sort of reverse psychology type of way. you see, i thought if i pretended like it was a boy for long enough, well that life would be life, and give me the opposite. but what i didn't realize is that deep in the back of my mind, okay well maybe not so deep, i really really really thought it was a girl. i even bought a few cute little summer dresses. See how well i did with pretending it was a boy? my plan didn't work so well. Andrew thought it was a girl. He said he might as well hope for one, and i told him that's only gonna hurt when we find out its a boy. ha, yeah i needed to take my own advice. as for jax, he thought it was a "stister". he was set on this, infact. i thought, who better to believe than a 3 year old right? he surely would know the gender if anyone would, right? i believe in the whole kids knowing more than we think thing. jax was wrong. i've been trying to convince him this whole day that its a brother, not a stister.
the first time we did the gender check (last week) , the baby wouldn't spread his legs. i THOUGHT i saw balls. yep, i probably did actually. my fluid was low and the baby wouldn't move or wake up, so we had to reschedule. the sonographer said that those "balls" i saw could just as easily be a "swollen labia" (woman parts). that gave me some hope, but i was more set than ever that it was a boy. the sonographer said she thought it was a boy but only by 1%. she said its still pretty 50/50. i told myself it was boy. but, i really didn't apparently. because today when we did see that little wiener sticking up THREE times, tears came instantly. luckily, i was able to hold them back til we got out of the office. then it started. it was like a dam had broke, i could NOT stop crying. i cried because i wanted a girl. i cried because i knew how rotten of a person i was to be crying over having a boy. i cried because, i know, i just know my little boy can watch me from heaven whenever he wants and at that moment i'm sure he felt like crap. i cried because i didn't deserve this, i was being selfish. i thought having three brothers and no sisters was bad enough, now TWO little boys? i cried because mentally, I CAN'T handle another jaxon. everything (well besides health issues, i'm very lucky) that CAN go wrong with a baby, did with jaxon. he refused to breastfeed , when i tried my absolute hardest. he would only take a special bottle with a special nipple and a special binky that can't be found just anywhere. he has colic for 5 months, he didn't sleep through the night EVER until he was 13 months old and we left him in a room all night to cry it out. he hates to eat. he hates to sleep. potty training the kid is misery. he's as cute as heck, but my HELL , can i do this again?! do i want to? do i deserve an easier kid? yes, yes i do. and i thought that meant a girl, naturally. i only have one kid, a boy, and he's put me through a lot of crap. i love him a lot, i really really do. but somedays i want to quit. i want to run far far away. i don't want to ever be a mom again. rough stuff. (hey i warned you about the complaining. its my blog)
anyway.
i'm having a boy. and just to make matters worse, the childrens place, Target AND old navy, decided that baby boys don't need clothes like baby girls do. i'm not even kidding here. there were like 100 girl outfits to 5 boy outfits. ask me why i put myself through the torture of going baby shopping today? ask me why i made the choice to walk into a store where i would surely be surrounded by a billion cute , frilly, yellow summer dresses? well, i told myself i wouldn't look. my plan was to go to the boy stuff, find something waaaay cute, and buy it as sort of a "celebratory , i just found out i'm having a boy" act. i thought this could cheer me up. instead, i did some more crying. yes, in the store. wow, it was bad. but i did manage to find one thing i approved of. well two. a cute little outfit and some little flip-flops.
did i mention August is a girl month?
ok, i'm done.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteEven though its a boy it could still be COMPLETELY different from Jax. Kynley was and is WAY harder than Kelton ever was. Tesha has 2 boys and they are night and day different. Maybe you will get a super easy baby since your first one was so hard! My first was easy and my second was a lot like Jax. Here is hoping for an easy baby and a girl next time!
ReplyDeleteDear B, whoever you are, thanks for deleting your comment, but it sent it to my e-mail so i still read it. this is MY blog, and i have every right to express how i feel, no matter if its good or bad.this world isn't made of lollipops and sunshine, and i don't need to pretend it is. If you don't like my feelings or the way i express them, don't read my damn blog. no one's forcing it on you, and i certainly don't need your approval when it comes to what i write. please don't read my blog, i don't need your opinions.
ReplyDeleteHarmony- THANK YOU.
Alecia, I know how you are feeling. With my first, I really wanted a boy for no other reason than I just wanted my oldest to be a boy, and so that when I did have girls they'd have an older brother to protect them. When I found out it was a girl, I was really excited. I didn't mind having a girl first after all. With my second I hoped for a boy again because having one of each would be so fun. And I did the same thing as you did. Try to convince myself it was a girl so that I wouldn't be disappointed when it was a girl, but secretly hoping and thinking this time it's a boy. And then we found out it was another girl. I'll admit, I felt a lot the same way you did, and I felt horrible for feeling that way, but that didn't mean that I would love her any less than I would love a boy. Eventually the idea of having two girls grew on me and is so much fun. I went through all the same emotions with my 3rd all over again. In some ways it was easier to accept, but in some ways it was harder. I wonder if I'll ever get a boy. My husband really wants a boy! Now I just don't know what I would do if I had a boy. :) I still get jealous every time I hear of someone having a boy though. I really want a son!
ReplyDeleteOn another note, like Harmony said, every kid is different. My first two were night and day different as well. Cambree (my first) was such an easy baby. She slept through the night from 3 weeks on. She was just such a chill baby. Sydney (my second) was complete opposite. She didn't sleep through the night until after she turned one, and like you, I had to just let her cry and cry. I HATED it! She doesn't hold still, she's all over the place, and she gets into EVERYTHING. After Sydney I felt like I couldn't handle another baby like that, but I was blessed with another easy baby. So, you never know. Heavenly Father knows what we can handle, and He blesses us accordingly. No matter what happens I know you are a GREAT mom and you are doing the best you can! You'll be just fine. :)
I was the same way when I found out I was having a girl! I always wanted my first to be a boy because then my future daughter would have an older brother like I did. I bawled the whole day until Garrett gave me the credit card and let me spend my way through the hurt. I felt just like you did. So I totally get where you are coming from. Even though you will not love this baby any less you are still disappointed but I am sure he knows you love him.
ReplyDeleteOn another note! Try Grand 8 they have great little boy stuff. And carters spring line for boys is soooooo cute!! Good luck girl you can do it. You know theres a reason women have the baby instead of the men right? Cause we are jsut that bad ass!