I've been thinking a lot about how things are going to change. well duh, what woman with a huge belly bump, massive pelvic pain, unsightly weight gain, no energy, and a super fun c-section to look forward to wouldn't be? hope that sentence makes sense.
i think about not only mason all the time and what he will be like, but i think of how life will change around here when he does make his arrival. will he have dark hair? blue eyes? brown eyes? grayish greenish hazel eyes like jax? will he have some great big weird birth mark covering half his body, or a strange tuft of hair on his body? i'm scared. with jaxon, i wasn't this scared about appearance. i thought i didn't have a reason to be. THEN jaxon came out and...YIKES! he was bruised and coneheaded and purple faced and well...not cute. sorry to say it, but every mom envisions giving birth to a beautiful newborn. call me "superficial" like andrew does, but i'm just speaking the truth. some newborns are actually cute. i've seen them.
anyway, that doesn't matter much. because jaxon started out pretty haggard, but now look at him! i look at his baby pictures and wonder how the heck he turned into the stud he is. so, thats good right? basically though, i want a healthy baby. with no huge problems to have to worry about and take care of for the rest of his life. yikes.
BUT THEN..more often, or equally often, i think of this: How on Earth am i going to split my love in two equal parts? surely, i will love one more than the other. and i'm thinking that will be jaxon. i can't see anyone replacing jaxon. and i don't want anyone to replace him! i don't want him to feel replaced! in a way, i feel like i am betraying him. oh , here's our new baby. you're not my baby anymore, sorry to ignore you. i was not this attached to jaxon for the first year of his life, i'll admit. but wow, that little boy has grown on me. i love him more than i ever knew i could, and i'm being honest. i'm not just saying that to sound good. i'll feel horrible if jaxon is always my favorite (because i've known him longer). what if i can never feel the same way about mason? andrew is worried we'll want to be with mason more, and not love jaxon as much. this is so hard! naturally, you'll like one kid more than the other. even though parents will deny it to their death, as i know i will. hopefully, andrew and i won't choose to favor the same one. but then what happens when there's 3 kids? Okay, i'm not gonna think about that right now.
does anyone have thoughts like this? or did you with your 2nd kid?
oh and tomorrow i'll be 30 weeks! yessss. that's only 9 weeks to go!
I think your fears are normal. However once you hold that baby in your arms you will find that you have enough love for both of those boys. I think your heart must grow bigger with each child that you have. I can't imagine my life without any one of my kids. They are all so different and I love something different about each one of them. Mason won't replace Jaxon you will just have another little boy that you will love more than anything you have ever loved. Its a natural thing to love and bond with your children and even if it takes a while like it did with Jaxon it will happen and you will be so amazed that you can love all these men in your life so much!
ReplyDeletep.s. the word verification was fu sleep. ha ha thought it was perfect for a pregnancy blog.
You have a big heart. I'm sure there is enough love in there to go around. ;) Don't stress about the details. Take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your friend Harmony. You'll discover that Heavenly Father makes it possible to love them equally :)
ReplyDeleteI have some of the same worries. I have been a worrier lately. I think about the appearance and how I am going to be able to handle two kids. I know people do it all the time, but really...it is going to be crazy. I worry about my little Braeden thinking that we don't love him anymore. I love him so much...how could I make him feel that way. I think we think about these things because pregnancy is our lives right now and that is what we are able to think about. Soon enough we will be done with it and have our sweet boys with us.
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