I've been thinking a lot about how things are going to change. well duh, what woman with a huge belly bump, massive pelvic pain, unsightly weight gain, no energy, and a super fun c-section to look forward to wouldn't be? hope that sentence makes sense.
i think about not only mason all the time and what he will be like, but i think of how life will change around here when he does make his arrival. will he have dark hair? blue eyes? brown eyes? grayish greenish hazel eyes like jax? will he have some great big weird birth mark covering half his body, or a strange tuft of hair on his body? i'm scared. with jaxon, i wasn't this scared about appearance. i thought i didn't have a reason to be. THEN jaxon came out and...YIKES! he was bruised and coneheaded and purple faced and well...not cute. sorry to say it, but every mom envisions giving birth to a beautiful newborn. call me "superficial" like andrew does, but i'm just speaking the truth. some newborns are actually cute. i've seen them.
anyway, that doesn't matter much. because jaxon started out pretty haggard, but now look at him! i look at his baby pictures and wonder how the heck he turned into the stud he is. so, thats good right? basically though, i want a healthy baby. with no huge problems to have to worry about and take care of for the rest of his life. yikes.
BUT THEN..more often, or equally often, i think of this: How on Earth am i going to split my love in two equal parts? surely, i will love one more than the other. and i'm thinking that will be jaxon. i can't see anyone replacing jaxon. and i don't want anyone to replace him! i don't want him to feel replaced! in a way, i feel like i am betraying him. oh , here's our new baby. you're not my baby anymore, sorry to ignore you. i was not this attached to jaxon for the first year of his life, i'll admit. but wow, that little boy has grown on me. i love him more than i ever knew i could, and i'm being honest. i'm not just saying that to sound good. i'll feel horrible if jaxon is always my favorite (because i've known him longer). what if i can never feel the same way about mason? andrew is worried we'll want to be with mason more, and not love jaxon as much. this is so hard! naturally, you'll like one kid more than the other. even though parents will deny it to their death, as i know i will. hopefully, andrew and i won't choose to favor the same one. but then what happens when there's 3 kids? Okay, i'm not gonna think about that right now.
does anyone have thoughts like this? or did you with your 2nd kid?
oh and tomorrow i'll be 30 weeks! yessss. that's only 9 weeks to go!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Anothah update--but mostly whining.
There are a few things to update on. I am now 28 weeks,but i feel like i'm like 35. i knew i should have lost weight before getting pregnant. i have NO energy, my body apparently wasn't ready for this. i'm gaining weight like crazy, hopefully most of it is water so that i can instantly lose it after. I have lots of pelvic pressure, which doesn't feel good. i didn't have that with jax, at least not til the very end if i did. when i go on walks, i get these sharp pains in my sides. thats not very fun either. being overweight sucks! it causes crappy problems. its hard to move around, and breathe, and do ANYTHING! blah. i am already pretty sick of this. i was okay when i didn't feel like a big , useless blob, but now barely into the 3rd trimester, things are getting crappy.
I went to Labor and Delivery last monday because i thought i was leaking amniotic fluid. thanks to my awesome friend kim for being there to instantly help me out and drive me there (we're STILL doing the one car thing--super fun) Turns out i was just peeing my pants and not knowing it. Awesome. i guess the baby is sitting on my bladder, and i can't help it when pee comes out. it doesn't happen all the time, so thats good.
Yesterday I had an appt, and everything is fine with baby. I'm gaining lots of weight, but this was expected. i don't have pretty pregnancies, AT ALL! all i want to do is eat and sleep, all the time. and not exercise--no energy and its painful.
last night, my left boob started hurting pretty bad. especially if i don't wear a bra. only the one hurts. i called the doc this morning, and they are stumped, because i don't have a fever, which would mean an infection-mastitis. i feel okay. i know what an infection feels like, and i don't have any of those symptoms . yet anyway.
i don't sleep well at night anymore, so i just wanna take naps all day. its a bad cycle i've created. i wish my mom was closer so she could come cook, clean and entertain jax for me! wouldn't that be nice! i'm no good at being a grown up. i just want someone to baby me. Andrew is doing clinicals for 3 weeks. the days he's not doing clinicals , he's working at walmart DC 12 hour shifts. he's got a lot going on. then he comes home to a bored jaxon and a whiny me.
i can't really do photography anymore. i can't move around like i used to, therefore can't do as good of a job as i know i'm capable of, and that drives me nuts! especially when we could really use the money!
there are some good things. like jaxon usually lets me sleep when i want-- USUALLY. not today though. he'll watch cartoons or movies. he's pretty independent now, so thats a blessing. he's very demanding though, and can't entertain himself too well, so that's not too cool. andrew helps me out a lot when he's here. i can't imagine being a single mom! i'd rather be shot! and i have some really sweet neighbors and friends who are always willing to help me.
today's just bad because my boob hurts, i have this crappy pelvic pain, the sun isn't shining, i feel big and awkward and lazy and hungry, and i just want a freaking nap!!!
I went to Labor and Delivery last monday because i thought i was leaking amniotic fluid. thanks to my awesome friend kim for being there to instantly help me out and drive me there (we're STILL doing the one car thing--super fun) Turns out i was just peeing my pants and not knowing it. Awesome. i guess the baby is sitting on my bladder, and i can't help it when pee comes out. it doesn't happen all the time, so thats good.
Yesterday I had an appt, and everything is fine with baby. I'm gaining lots of weight, but this was expected. i don't have pretty pregnancies, AT ALL! all i want to do is eat and sleep, all the time. and not exercise--no energy and its painful.
last night, my left boob started hurting pretty bad. especially if i don't wear a bra. only the one hurts. i called the doc this morning, and they are stumped, because i don't have a fever, which would mean an infection-mastitis. i feel okay. i know what an infection feels like, and i don't have any of those symptoms . yet anyway.
i don't sleep well at night anymore, so i just wanna take naps all day. its a bad cycle i've created. i wish my mom was closer so she could come cook, clean and entertain jax for me! wouldn't that be nice! i'm no good at being a grown up. i just want someone to baby me. Andrew is doing clinicals for 3 weeks. the days he's not doing clinicals , he's working at walmart DC 12 hour shifts. he's got a lot going on. then he comes home to a bored jaxon and a whiny me.
i can't really do photography anymore. i can't move around like i used to, therefore can't do as good of a job as i know i'm capable of, and that drives me nuts! especially when we could really use the money!
there are some good things. like jaxon usually lets me sleep when i want-- USUALLY. not today though. he'll watch cartoons or movies. he's pretty independent now, so thats a blessing. he's very demanding though, and can't entertain himself too well, so that's not too cool. andrew helps me out a lot when he's here. i can't imagine being a single mom! i'd rather be shot! and i have some really sweet neighbors and friends who are always willing to help me.
today's just bad because my boob hurts, i have this crappy pelvic pain, the sun isn't shining, i feel big and awkward and lazy and hungry, and i just want a freaking nap!!!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Update
There isn't much to update actually. this pregnancy has been pretty normal and quiet so far. We had another ultrasound to see Mason's heart and upper lip. he FINALLY cooperated enough to look at those things, and they look great! My sonographer is STILL bugging me about drinking water. Apparently i'm STILL not drinking enough! I'm drinking more everyday than i ever have in my entire life! what is the deal?? i'm SO sick of peeing every 5 minutes! During the ultrasound, Mason kept moving his little lips, like he was talking. it was the cutest thing ever! We sure are getting excited! 3 more months to go!
I made the mistake of looking at the scale.. dangit. something i told myself i wouldn't do. and yep..a couple hours of tears followed after that. i get SO DANG chunky when i'm pregnant. i retain water like no one's business. its sickening. no cute little "baby bump" for me. my WHOLE body is pregnant. yuck! when i go on walks, i get these stabbing pains in my belly, really not fun at all. the doc said its normal, and that i should do other exercises like a stationary bike..sure, does he wanna buy one for me?
other than the drinking problem and the weight gain, I am blessed to have such easy pregnancies. (knock on wood)
:)
I made the mistake of looking at the scale.. dangit. something i told myself i wouldn't do. and yep..a couple hours of tears followed after that. i get SO DANG chunky when i'm pregnant. i retain water like no one's business. its sickening. no cute little "baby bump" for me. my WHOLE body is pregnant. yuck! when i go on walks, i get these stabbing pains in my belly, really not fun at all. the doc said its normal, and that i should do other exercises like a stationary bike..sure, does he wanna buy one for me?
other than the drinking problem and the weight gain, I am blessed to have such easy pregnancies. (knock on wood)
:)
Friday, April 15, 2011
I am officially 6 months!
This is nuts . i'm 6 months pregnant. its going by sooo fast this time, although it does seem like i've been pregnant forever now. weird.
So far, this really has been a pretty easy pregnancy. Things are going well, baby is doing fine for all i know. Andrew & I have been getting things ready for M's room, and oh man, its looking CUTE! i am so excited! Andrew spray painted his crib light blue, changing table yellow, I ordered some light blue"oil cloth" online to use for his changing table ( i learned last baby that whatever is on the changing table gets DIRTY , so it needs to be washable), spray painted DI shelves red, painted 6 milk crates different colors (they will be like shelves in his room kind of), painted a red "M" for his room. My friend Kim made his crib blanket which is adorable and i love it! she's also working on the rest of his crib set, pillows, etc. i'm soooooo dang excited. she has great ideas! i'm ordering monster books from e-bay to put on his shelves, and hats from etsy to use for his newborn pics. Jax helped me also made a flag garland (is that what they're called?) that's hanging on one of his walls, and i cut out some vinyl words with my cricut! so fun! you can't say we're not prepared for this little man! i am so thankful for andrew, he has been helping me make all my ideas happen. and i have EVERYTHING planned out, and its coming together so well! can't wait to take pics!
anyway,
i also wanted to write down how the two pregnancies have been different & alike.
-I am soooo tired this pregnancy. with jax was i this tired? i don't think so..but i didn't have a crazy 3 yr old at that time either.
-I have had morning sickness this whole pregnancy , and i had it the whole time with jax too. the difference is, the sickness was worse with jax at the first of the pregnancy. i threw up lots more. now, either i know how to control it better. (don't cough, that triggers it, eat FIRST thing in the morning, if i do feel the need to vomit, i look up and take deep breaths and concentrate hard on not throwing up.)
-Mason's kicks are more gentle where Jax's were more spastic and rough. maybe mason will kick harder as time goes on, but by this time jax was kicking harder. i also felt jax waaaay earlier than Mas. I felt jax at 14 weeks, Mason at 19 weeks.
- this time i am having trouble with having enough amniotic fluid, where with jax, that was never an issue. my sonographer is always on my case about drinking tons of water. my levels are low, but not too low. as the summer hits though, i will have to drink even MORE water (i'm ordered to drink 90 oz now)
- my belly doesn't seem as big as it was with jax. oh, i'm gaining the weight alright. in my face, arms, thighs, butt. but not my belly so much. figures! it could have a lot to do with the whole low amniotic fluid thing (that would make my belly seem smaller) , and the fact that i don't drink enough water makes me retain water, therefore making my whole body fat. blah.
- i am having lots of pelvic pressure pain and tailbone pain. i don't think i remember that so much with jax. i wonder if that means this baby is sitting lower?
- that's all i can think of right now.
i love talking about Mason with Jax. he's understanding things and that's so exciting. i'll say "go put this in mason's room", sometimes jax will talk to my belly, trying to wake mason up or tell him things. sometimes if jax is pulling one of his dramatic fits, i will tell him that mason is kicking my belly too because he hears someone screaming and being mean to his mom and he doesn't like it, and it scares him. that usually stops jaxon because HE'S the one being mean to mom. and he'll think about that for a minute. we talk about how jax is the older brother and when Mason is born he can't pee or poop in the potty, he goes in his diaper because he's a baby. jax will say, "well mom, you can just hold him over the potty so he can go in it" . hahaha i love that kid. i am so excited for him to get a little brother. it will be a big change for him, but so good. he's so gentle and sweet with babies, i love that about him. he'll see commercials with babies and ask "mom, are we gonna have a baby like that?" so cute! and sometimes i'll come home from my doc appts , and he'll say "where's the baby?", he thinks i go there to get the baby out. he's very concerned about the doctors hurting me to get the baby out. i tell him the doctors will take good care of me and fix me. he seems to be fine with that answer.
well this is longer than i wanted...
we have yet another ultrasound on the 20th, i will keep this updated!
So far, this really has been a pretty easy pregnancy. Things are going well, baby is doing fine for all i know. Andrew & I have been getting things ready for M's room, and oh man, its looking CUTE! i am so excited! Andrew spray painted his crib light blue, changing table yellow, I ordered some light blue"oil cloth" online to use for his changing table ( i learned last baby that whatever is on the changing table gets DIRTY , so it needs to be washable), spray painted DI shelves red, painted 6 milk crates different colors (they will be like shelves in his room kind of), painted a red "M" for his room. My friend Kim made his crib blanket which is adorable and i love it! she's also working on the rest of his crib set, pillows, etc. i'm soooooo dang excited. she has great ideas! i'm ordering monster books from e-bay to put on his shelves, and hats from etsy to use for his newborn pics. Jax helped me also made a flag garland (is that what they're called?) that's hanging on one of his walls, and i cut out some vinyl words with my cricut! so fun! you can't say we're not prepared for this little man! i am so thankful for andrew, he has been helping me make all my ideas happen. and i have EVERYTHING planned out, and its coming together so well! can't wait to take pics!
anyway,
i also wanted to write down how the two pregnancies have been different & alike.
-I am soooo tired this pregnancy. with jax was i this tired? i don't think so..but i didn't have a crazy 3 yr old at that time either.
-I have had morning sickness this whole pregnancy , and i had it the whole time with jax too. the difference is, the sickness was worse with jax at the first of the pregnancy. i threw up lots more. now, either i know how to control it better. (don't cough, that triggers it, eat FIRST thing in the morning, if i do feel the need to vomit, i look up and take deep breaths and concentrate hard on not throwing up.)
-Mason's kicks are more gentle where Jax's were more spastic and rough. maybe mason will kick harder as time goes on, but by this time jax was kicking harder. i also felt jax waaaay earlier than Mas. I felt jax at 14 weeks, Mason at 19 weeks.
- this time i am having trouble with having enough amniotic fluid, where with jax, that was never an issue. my sonographer is always on my case about drinking tons of water. my levels are low, but not too low. as the summer hits though, i will have to drink even MORE water (i'm ordered to drink 90 oz now)
- my belly doesn't seem as big as it was with jax. oh, i'm gaining the weight alright. in my face, arms, thighs, butt. but not my belly so much. figures! it could have a lot to do with the whole low amniotic fluid thing (that would make my belly seem smaller) , and the fact that i don't drink enough water makes me retain water, therefore making my whole body fat. blah.
- i am having lots of pelvic pressure pain and tailbone pain. i don't think i remember that so much with jax. i wonder if that means this baby is sitting lower?
- that's all i can think of right now.
i love talking about Mason with Jax. he's understanding things and that's so exciting. i'll say "go put this in mason's room", sometimes jax will talk to my belly, trying to wake mason up or tell him things. sometimes if jax is pulling one of his dramatic fits, i will tell him that mason is kicking my belly too because he hears someone screaming and being mean to his mom and he doesn't like it, and it scares him. that usually stops jaxon because HE'S the one being mean to mom. and he'll think about that for a minute. we talk about how jax is the older brother and when Mason is born he can't pee or poop in the potty, he goes in his diaper because he's a baby. jax will say, "well mom, you can just hold him over the potty so he can go in it" . hahaha i love that kid. i am so excited for him to get a little brother. it will be a big change for him, but so good. he's so gentle and sweet with babies, i love that about him. he'll see commercials with babies and ask "mom, are we gonna have a baby like that?" so cute! and sometimes i'll come home from my doc appts , and he'll say "where's the baby?", he thinks i go there to get the baby out. he's very concerned about the doctors hurting me to get the baby out. i tell him the doctors will take good care of me and fix me. he seems to be fine with that answer.
well this is longer than i wanted...
we have yet another ultrasound on the 20th, i will keep this updated!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
he moved!
i felt the mason bear move!
{ okay, jax is my "bear". what should i call mason? bird? bug? giraffe? monster? yeah, i think i'll do monster..}
i felt the mason monster move! his movement resembles nothing like that of a monster, it happens rarely and is more gentle. i'm hoping this means he's not gonna be a hyper crazy person?? he'll be shy and gentle. i can hope.
i felt him move at 19 weeks exactly. tomorrow i'll be 20 weeks! more than half way through. i get c-sections so i get to go at 39 weeks! yessss!
CRAVINGS:
-dill pickles , the "claussen" brand. most expensive , but worth it.
-jumbo smarties suckers (the pink and purple kind)
-special K cereal, with fruit and yogurt bits
my mouth is watering now..
we got another ultrasound last week but the stinker likes to hide in the fold of my uterus tissue
( pretty picture, huh? ) , therefore seeing his handsome little face & inside his heart is basically impossible. we did get one creepy face shot, and lets just hope he gets cuter, and less alien-like. haha. of course he will- no one read this the wrong way and think i hate my unborn baby! please, i beg of you! he's gonna be a stud with dark hair. he has to. 3 out of 4 of my kids are supposed to have dark hair.. (since i do, and that's dominant) jax was blonde but is going a bit darker, but mason is a dark haired name, therefore, he will be dark!
anyway since monster man wouldn't move out of my tissue, we have scheduled yet ANOTHER ultrasound (this will be ultrasound #5 with this booger) to check his upper lip and heart. i actually love the ultrasounds, they are fun! its fun to see the stinky thing moving around! i think next time he'll wave at us!
oh and did i mention my sonographer is MAKING me drink 6 bottles of water a day? that's over 96 oz people! if that doesn't kill me ...i don't know what will! eeek!
{ okay, jax is my "bear". what should i call mason? bird? bug? giraffe? monster? yeah, i think i'll do monster..}
i felt the mason monster move! his movement resembles nothing like that of a monster, it happens rarely and is more gentle. i'm hoping this means he's not gonna be a hyper crazy person?? he'll be shy and gentle. i can hope.
i felt him move at 19 weeks exactly. tomorrow i'll be 20 weeks! more than half way through. i get c-sections so i get to go at 39 weeks! yessss!
CRAVINGS:
-dill pickles , the "claussen" brand. most expensive , but worth it.
-jumbo smarties suckers (the pink and purple kind)
-special K cereal, with fruit and yogurt bits
my mouth is watering now..
we got another ultrasound last week but the stinker likes to hide in the fold of my uterus tissue
( pretty picture, huh? ) , therefore seeing his handsome little face & inside his heart is basically impossible. we did get one creepy face shot, and lets just hope he gets cuter, and less alien-like. haha. of course he will- no one read this the wrong way and think i hate my unborn baby! please, i beg of you! he's gonna be a stud with dark hair. he has to. 3 out of 4 of my kids are supposed to have dark hair.. (since i do, and that's dominant) jax was blonde but is going a bit darker, but mason is a dark haired name, therefore, he will be dark!
anyway since monster man wouldn't move out of my tissue, we have scheduled yet ANOTHER ultrasound (this will be ultrasound #5 with this booger) to check his upper lip and heart. i actually love the ultrasounds, they are fun! its fun to see the stinky thing moving around! i think next time he'll wave at us!
oh and did i mention my sonographer is MAKING me drink 6 bottles of water a day? that's over 96 oz people! if that doesn't kill me ...i don't know what will! eeek!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
movement & such
I am 18 weeks and 2 days today and i still have NOT felt this stinky man child move.
what the heck?
with jax, i felt movement at 14 weeks, i am not even kidding. i know thats early, but its the truth.
the sonographer said she sees him moving around like a normal baby, but why don't i feel it?!
it sort of upsets me.
in other news..
we are pretty set on the name Mason. I've loved Mason Mckay for a pretty long time now. Andrew doesn't like Mckay, and he also brought to my attention that it doesn't have any special importance. its just a name i pulled out of thin air. i didn't care about this though at first, and now i'm starting to. i am thinking more and more about how names to need to mean something. i know now that i want Mason named after my Dad. His first name is Joseph.
so...
its Joseph Mason
or Mason Joseph
?
neither one rolls of my tongue great. but i WILL name him after my dad. which do you like best?
AND
we're decorating in Monsters! yay! so fun. my friend kim has gotten me all pumped up about how cute its gonna be. she's amazing at creating just about anything, so i am very excited to help make Mason's room. His colors are red, gray, blue and yellow. jax's room is jungle and his colors are light green, dark green, orange, yellow, brown and tan. i want Mason's room to be completely different. And i want his favorite color to be red. with jax , i wanted his favorite color to be green and i succeeded!
anyway jax is getting more and more excited for his brother, although he STILL says he wants a stister! what the heck! i told him someday, he should hopefully get one of each. he's already choosing out his and mason's halloween costumes. i sure do love that boy. i can't wait to see what mason'll be like. no one could have as much personality as jax! i am hoping mason will just be a calm sweetheart that wants to cuddle with his mama.
August 1st seems so far away!
what the heck?
with jax, i felt movement at 14 weeks, i am not even kidding. i know thats early, but its the truth.
the sonographer said she sees him moving around like a normal baby, but why don't i feel it?!
it sort of upsets me.
in other news..
we are pretty set on the name Mason. I've loved Mason Mckay for a pretty long time now. Andrew doesn't like Mckay, and he also brought to my attention that it doesn't have any special importance. its just a name i pulled out of thin air. i didn't care about this though at first, and now i'm starting to. i am thinking more and more about how names to need to mean something. i know now that i want Mason named after my Dad. His first name is Joseph.
so...
its Joseph Mason
or Mason Joseph
?
neither one rolls of my tongue great. but i WILL name him after my dad. which do you like best?
AND
we're decorating in Monsters! yay! so fun. my friend kim has gotten me all pumped up about how cute its gonna be. she's amazing at creating just about anything, so i am very excited to help make Mason's room. His colors are red, gray, blue and yellow. jax's room is jungle and his colors are light green, dark green, orange, yellow, brown and tan. i want Mason's room to be completely different. And i want his favorite color to be red. with jax , i wanted his favorite color to be green and i succeeded!
anyway jax is getting more and more excited for his brother, although he STILL says he wants a stister! what the heck! i told him someday, he should hopefully get one of each. he's already choosing out his and mason's halloween costumes. i sure do love that boy. i can't wait to see what mason'll be like. no one could have as much personality as jax! i am hoping mason will just be a calm sweetheart that wants to cuddle with his mama.
August 1st seems so far away!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
not done.
Actually no, i'm not done.
i'll never be done. because this is ME. some people can't handle me and that's okay. go live your own life and don't blog stalk me. (you know who you are . you quit "following" my blogs and you blocked me from yours, so why on Earth are you still silently reading mine?)
i am not ashamed of what i wrote and anyone who knows me knows i will love my new son unconditionally. i love jax more than anything in this world. i really shouldn't have to be saying this. don't ever tell a mom she doesn't love her kids! unless you wanna get beat up!
i wrote what i felt, which was real. people who think i am evil for writing things that are negative need to look in the mirror because you can't say you've never had the thoughts that i choose to voice out loud? if so, you're in denial. its perfectly normal to feel disappointment, regret, and all those other negative emotions, just as it is to feel the happy ones. unfortunately, the blogging world is all about sugar coating your life so people will think you are a perfect person. well i don't need anyone to think i'm perfect, i'd rather be thought of as real.
i am so blessed to have so many friends that have my back. but you know of course , it takes one negative comment to break me down. and it did. i wish i could say it didn't, because this person does not deserve that satisfaction. i have never been so upset with someone my age since probably middle school. she must be glad she succeeded , right? people who are surprised by my meanness and tell me things like "i'll lose all my friends" and i "disappoint them", have apparently never pissed me off. i'm not one to piss off, ESPECIALLY when i'm pregnant.
in other news, i have some very sweet people in my life to thank. i have a friend who has lent me some maternity clothes . i didn't even ask her. she even let me borrow her vicki's bra. its soooo soft and i just love it. she is such a great friend! you know who you are :) and another friend, who always tries to understand me and now that i'm having a boy, she can totally relate with how i feel. she's helping me get really exciting about having a second boy. she helped me choose a cute theme and colors and she is going to make the baby EVERYTHING. (she's very talented that way!) I'm so excited to get working on all of it and to share it with you! i'm also thankful for my mom. i called her and cried and cried and she didn't once judge me or tell me i'm horrible for feeling the way i felt. i guess she knows me the best. she knows i love my jax more than anything, and that i'll love this baby the same way. she really helped me feel better by just being there to listen to me cry about it. (which is sometimes all you need) I also have a whole buttload of facebook and blogger friends who have told me things to help me feel better. its so nice to feel that support and know i am cared about by many. I am blessed. so blessed. I just don't do well with the select few who want to tear me down. my strong suit in life is definitely not keeping my mouth shut when someone attacks me.
anyway. i'm not done blogging. its what i do, and i love all the sweet feedback and advice i get from all you REAL moms & even those who aren't moms yet. i have a lot of thank you notes i should write :)
i'll never be done. because this is ME. some people can't handle me and that's okay. go live your own life and don't blog stalk me. (you know who you are . you quit "following" my blogs and you blocked me from yours, so why on Earth are you still silently reading mine?)
i am not ashamed of what i wrote and anyone who knows me knows i will love my new son unconditionally. i love jax more than anything in this world. i really shouldn't have to be saying this. don't ever tell a mom she doesn't love her kids! unless you wanna get beat up!
i wrote what i felt, which was real. people who think i am evil for writing things that are negative need to look in the mirror because you can't say you've never had the thoughts that i choose to voice out loud? if so, you're in denial. its perfectly normal to feel disappointment, regret, and all those other negative emotions, just as it is to feel the happy ones. unfortunately, the blogging world is all about sugar coating your life so people will think you are a perfect person. well i don't need anyone to think i'm perfect, i'd rather be thought of as real.
i am so blessed to have so many friends that have my back. but you know of course , it takes one negative comment to break me down. and it did. i wish i could say it didn't, because this person does not deserve that satisfaction. i have never been so upset with someone my age since probably middle school. she must be glad she succeeded , right? people who are surprised by my meanness and tell me things like "i'll lose all my friends" and i "disappoint them", have apparently never pissed me off. i'm not one to piss off, ESPECIALLY when i'm pregnant.
in other news, i have some very sweet people in my life to thank. i have a friend who has lent me some maternity clothes . i didn't even ask her. she even let me borrow her vicki's bra. its soooo soft and i just love it. she is such a great friend! you know who you are :) and another friend, who always tries to understand me and now that i'm having a boy, she can totally relate with how i feel. she's helping me get really exciting about having a second boy. she helped me choose a cute theme and colors and she is going to make the baby EVERYTHING. (she's very talented that way!) I'm so excited to get working on all of it and to share it with you! i'm also thankful for my mom. i called her and cried and cried and she didn't once judge me or tell me i'm horrible for feeling the way i felt. i guess she knows me the best. she knows i love my jax more than anything, and that i'll love this baby the same way. she really helped me feel better by just being there to listen to me cry about it. (which is sometimes all you need) I also have a whole buttload of facebook and blogger friends who have told me things to help me feel better. its so nice to feel that support and know i am cared about by many. I am blessed. so blessed. I just don't do well with the select few who want to tear me down. my strong suit in life is definitely not keeping my mouth shut when someone attacks me.
anyway. i'm not done blogging. its what i do, and i love all the sweet feedback and advice i get from all you REAL moms & even those who aren't moms yet. i have a lot of thank you notes i should write :)
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