things are starting to hit me now. up until now, the big day has seemed so far away. i am having a baby in less than a week now. uhhhh... yikes? yes, i've waited forever for this! yes, i've endured all of this hot summer i possibly can. but am i ready? are we ready? i feel like i'm not ready. our 6 month inspection is on thursday. my c-section is on monday. today i am 38 weeks, and boy do i feel it. everyone mostly gives me looks and words of pity when they hear about me having to get a c-section. right now, i am grateful about it. i am happy that i won't have to wait til august 8th or later (most likely later) for labor to start on its own. no siree, not in this heat. i knew the heat would be miserable. but now i know miserable is not the right word for it. this heat is like death. seriously. if i go out in it, even just for a second. even to just get in and out of the car, i feel like i might die. or pass out. or throw up. or do all of those things. i will never again do this in the summer....purposely.
i feel so un-useful. i hate this. just THINKING about cleaning the house makes me tired. i am so big and so awkward that doing anything is a challenge. i cannot handle this! i feel so bad because andrew will have to do almost all of the cleaning for the inspection. good thing he has weekdays off. i wish this so called "nesting" thing would kick in for me! ahhhhh.
and then there's the part about the 3 year old i have. i am scared to be alone with him. he fights me. i cannot fight back. i have no energy. i feel like a horrible mom. i just want to sleep, he wants to play. ALLLLLLL DAYYYY. And now i am worried for him. will he think i don't love him anymore when i have this baby IN A WEEK? i want him to know we still love him. he is still my baby too...oh i feel like crying! the hormones! what a mess i am!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
36 weeks
wow, this was probably the crappiest visit ever!
we had to do the strep swab test. its where they stick a large q-tip in places..that aren't meant to have a q-tip in them. and it hurt!
no news. baby hasn't dropped. honestly, i don't know if he can with my small pelvis. jaxon never did. but this baby feels lower than jax...weird. i am not dilated like at all. i am doubting labor will come any sooner than august 1st. well, actually i'm betting i won't even go into labor, they'll do the c-section before any of that starts. which is good , in a way. but i was wanting this to just be over!!!
i asked the doc how big he thinks this baby will be and he said 7 1/2 to 8 lbs. jax was 8lbs 10oz, and the doc said, "i bet you'll have an 8 and a half lb baby" she was right! this one feels smaller, i think. so we'll see!
i can't sleep well at night AT ALL. it takes forever to fall asleep. andrew drives me nuts just being in there and i really wish i felt alright about kicking him out. he snores and takes up a lot of the bed. or, well i guess its me who's needing a lot of the bed now. i get heartburn and have to pee a lot in the night. so i do all my sleeping in the day. i hate how it feels. it feels like i'm missing out on life, but i feel so tired and out of it if i don't take naps! good thing andrew is home during the weekdays, he does fun things with jaxon, and gives me a break. its great! i don't know what i'd do without him!
we had to do the strep swab test. its where they stick a large q-tip in places..that aren't meant to have a q-tip in them. and it hurt!
no news. baby hasn't dropped. honestly, i don't know if he can with my small pelvis. jaxon never did. but this baby feels lower than jax...weird. i am not dilated like at all. i am doubting labor will come any sooner than august 1st. well, actually i'm betting i won't even go into labor, they'll do the c-section before any of that starts. which is good , in a way. but i was wanting this to just be over!!!
i asked the doc how big he thinks this baby will be and he said 7 1/2 to 8 lbs. jax was 8lbs 10oz, and the doc said, "i bet you'll have an 8 and a half lb baby" she was right! this one feels smaller, i think. so we'll see!
i can't sleep well at night AT ALL. it takes forever to fall asleep. andrew drives me nuts just being in there and i really wish i felt alright about kicking him out. he snores and takes up a lot of the bed. or, well i guess its me who's needing a lot of the bed now. i get heartburn and have to pee a lot in the night. so i do all my sleeping in the day. i hate how it feels. it feels like i'm missing out on life, but i feel so tired and out of it if i don't take naps! good thing andrew is home during the weekdays, he does fun things with jaxon, and gives me a break. its great! i don't know what i'd do without him!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Do i really wanna do this?
So, I'm reading up on breastfeeding and......YIKES!
um i guess i forgot how much to it there actually is.
it was such a horrible experience with jaxon, that i swore to myself i wouldn't put myself through that ever again. my c-section scar, and the way jax would kick it. the way the boppy didn't work with my like it was supposed to (i think i was too fat for it). the way jaxon WOULD NOT latch on, even with the help of a couple lactation specialists. the way i had to wear a nipple shield to get him to somewhat breastfeed, and even then it was still a fight. they way that even when he did latch on, he'd fall asleep, OR keep his mouth semi-open letting the milk run out of his mouth, into his ear, and all over my belly. or the boob infection i got because i was SO FULL of milk that wasn't being used. the soaked nursing pads that i'd go through about every hour. or the hours of pumping, then feeding it to him out of a bottle i had to do. and the colic. the never-ending screaming baby that would not be soothed.
years passed.
then i saw this girl on facebook who was really really skinny. i asked her HOW she got that way and she said breastfeeding! then (quite sometime later) i got pregnant and gained about 50 billion lbs. i wondered (and still do) if i'll ever have my body back. will i someday not look like an enormous whale? so, i considered breastfeeding. yeah, i'm selfish like that. instead of thinking of the baby's benefits i think of my own. could i go through all of that again to (maybe, because i'm not like every other girl) lose some of this weight?
i think: maybe this baby will be different? maybe he won't act like he was sent straight from hell to test me. maybe he'll be calm and WANT to TRY to breastfeed? maybe we can bond better? maybe it will turn out to be a good time for the both of us. (like the books say) i like to think it WILL become easier with time. i wont have to pack bottles and formula & find the nearest microwave to feed.
i am scared to death.
the more i read up on it, the more i realize how hellish this will be for awhile. the more i realize that even though this is "natural", it won't come natural to either one of us. there are so many things to focus on and remember. so many "techniques". so much of feeling and acting like a milk machine and less like a human being. feeding sometimes every hour? no! i will have no life! no trips? no dates?
its so hard because jaxon was and is perfectly healthy, and he didn't breastfeed. he is smart, rarely sick and well healthy! not because of breastfeeding!
yikes.
the good thing about bottle feeding is, Andrew helped out as much as i did with it. we took turns a lot of the time. he had his bonding time too. it was GREAT for me! knowing how great that was, how can i do this? its all me here. no help.
i am going to try it. but if things don't go well, i won't beat myself up about it.
tell me, all of you mothers: what are your thoughts and experiences about breastfeeding?
um i guess i forgot how much to it there actually is.
it was such a horrible experience with jaxon, that i swore to myself i wouldn't put myself through that ever again. my c-section scar, and the way jax would kick it. the way the boppy didn't work with my like it was supposed to (i think i was too fat for it). the way jaxon WOULD NOT latch on, even with the help of a couple lactation specialists. the way i had to wear a nipple shield to get him to somewhat breastfeed, and even then it was still a fight. they way that even when he did latch on, he'd fall asleep, OR keep his mouth semi-open letting the milk run out of his mouth, into his ear, and all over my belly. or the boob infection i got because i was SO FULL of milk that wasn't being used. the soaked nursing pads that i'd go through about every hour. or the hours of pumping, then feeding it to him out of a bottle i had to do. and the colic. the never-ending screaming baby that would not be soothed.
years passed.
then i saw this girl on facebook who was really really skinny. i asked her HOW she got that way and she said breastfeeding! then (quite sometime later) i got pregnant and gained about 50 billion lbs. i wondered (and still do) if i'll ever have my body back. will i someday not look like an enormous whale? so, i considered breastfeeding. yeah, i'm selfish like that. instead of thinking of the baby's benefits i think of my own. could i go through all of that again to (maybe, because i'm not like every other girl) lose some of this weight?
i think: maybe this baby will be different? maybe he won't act like he was sent straight from hell to test me. maybe he'll be calm and WANT to TRY to breastfeed? maybe we can bond better? maybe it will turn out to be a good time for the both of us. (like the books say) i like to think it WILL become easier with time. i wont have to pack bottles and formula & find the nearest microwave to feed.
i am scared to death.
the more i read up on it, the more i realize how hellish this will be for awhile. the more i realize that even though this is "natural", it won't come natural to either one of us. there are so many things to focus on and remember. so many "techniques". so much of feeling and acting like a milk machine and less like a human being. feeding sometimes every hour? no! i will have no life! no trips? no dates?
its so hard because jaxon was and is perfectly healthy, and he didn't breastfeed. he is smart, rarely sick and well healthy! not because of breastfeeding!
yikes.
the good thing about bottle feeding is, Andrew helped out as much as i did with it. we took turns a lot of the time. he had his bonding time too. it was GREAT for me! knowing how great that was, how can i do this? its all me here. no help.
i am going to try it. but if things don't go well, i won't beat myself up about it.
tell me, all of you mothers: what are your thoughts and experiences about breastfeeding?
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
35 weeks checkup
on the 4th of July, i was exactly 35 weeks! that means 4 weeks to go! wow.
this pregnancy has been different. i'm carrying mason lower than jax. the pelvic pain and pressure wasn't there with jax, but today i heard that was all normal. my belly doesn't "pop" as much with this baby and i think its because i was bigger to start with this time than last time. that baby has a lot of room in my big belly i guess. he is also less active than jaxon was. jaxon was constantly moving by this point, kicking the CRAP out of my ribs and everywhere else. this baby doesn't move as much or as hard, so i told my doc. about it today and they did an ultra sound and a stress test on baby. everything looked fine! my amniotic fluid is 11 and higher than ever! which is surprising, because i don't feel like i've been doing that great of a job drinking water. but i have been trying to drink water, not pop, because i know pop dehydrates you! we got to see mason's cute little face, he looks like jax! it was so crazy, i wanted to cry. i can't wait to meet that man!
i'm also thinking i'm slightly anemic. my mom has it during pregnancy, so i might too. the dr. says my iron is a bit low, which would explain why i am like CRAZY tired lately. more tired than is normal. so i'll start taking iron supplements.
my c-section is planned for august 1st FOR SURE now. i'm really hoping i'll go early! wouldn't that be nice. we're getting mason's room finished up, and its getting SO exciting!
that's the latest and greatest. baby is very healthy!
this pregnancy has been different. i'm carrying mason lower than jax. the pelvic pain and pressure wasn't there with jax, but today i heard that was all normal. my belly doesn't "pop" as much with this baby and i think its because i was bigger to start with this time than last time. that baby has a lot of room in my big belly i guess. he is also less active than jaxon was. jaxon was constantly moving by this point, kicking the CRAP out of my ribs and everywhere else. this baby doesn't move as much or as hard, so i told my doc. about it today and they did an ultra sound and a stress test on baby. everything looked fine! my amniotic fluid is 11 and higher than ever! which is surprising, because i don't feel like i've been doing that great of a job drinking water. but i have been trying to drink water, not pop, because i know pop dehydrates you! we got to see mason's cute little face, he looks like jax! it was so crazy, i wanted to cry. i can't wait to meet that man!
i'm also thinking i'm slightly anemic. my mom has it during pregnancy, so i might too. the dr. says my iron is a bit low, which would explain why i am like CRAZY tired lately. more tired than is normal. so i'll start taking iron supplements.
my c-section is planned for august 1st FOR SURE now. i'm really hoping i'll go early! wouldn't that be nice. we're getting mason's room finished up, and its getting SO exciting!
that's the latest and greatest. baby is very healthy!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Doc. Visit
Now I'm down to Dr. appts for every two weeks! boo-yah! its getting closer...
On June 1st i went in for a visit and made the mistake AGAIN of looking at that dang stupid scale. and yep, the number was soooo high. like really, so high. i have gained so much freaking weight. i knew this would happen, but man , its really not easy for me to cope with at all! its not like i sit and eat all day like a total slob. i really don't. i have a good appetite, always have, but geez louise. with jax i gained 52 lbs. 30 of it dropped off right after because it was water weight. this time, i think i'll gain even MORE than that, and i'm hoping its just water weight again and that it will drop off. the really terrifying thought is that i get even FATTER right after the c-section. i swell up like a whale, not even joking. in fact, if you are planning on visiting me in the hospital, please please please don't! i love you but you will never think of me the same. you won't recognize me. its that bad. last time, my feet got so big right after that my socks wouldn't even go on! NOTHING fit me, it was horrifying! at least this time, i know to expect it. no one warned me the first time. c-sections are poopy! i can't wait til this is over and done with!
anyway- back to the dr. visit. i told Lisa (my nurse practitioner who i usually don't see, i usually see dr. lunt, but he was out of town) that i was seriously so depressed about this weight gain. I told her about the massive pelvic pain and round ligament pain that comes when i go on walks. She referred me to do physical therapy! she said something could be out of alignment, and if not, PT will help loosen me up a bit. She also highly recommended that i do water aerobics at this physical therapy place AND that she thinks medicaid will pay for it! wouldn't that be wonderful? andrew was ecstatic to hear about the PT, because as you know he's studying to be a PT Assistant. He's gonna come with me and watch what they do...it'll be good for both of us!
Anyway i am really just rambling on now. I'm just glad i got to talk to Lisa, she is much more sensitive to my little problems, unlike my Dr. (probably cause he's a guy) He would just say "oh that's normal"....uggghhh but that doesn't HELP me!
okay, i'm done.
On June 1st i went in for a visit and made the mistake AGAIN of looking at that dang stupid scale. and yep, the number was soooo high. like really, so high. i have gained so much freaking weight. i knew this would happen, but man , its really not easy for me to cope with at all! its not like i sit and eat all day like a total slob. i really don't. i have a good appetite, always have, but geez louise. with jax i gained 52 lbs. 30 of it dropped off right after because it was water weight. this time, i think i'll gain even MORE than that, and i'm hoping its just water weight again and that it will drop off. the really terrifying thought is that i get even FATTER right after the c-section. i swell up like a whale, not even joking. in fact, if you are planning on visiting me in the hospital, please please please don't! i love you but you will never think of me the same. you won't recognize me. its that bad. last time, my feet got so big right after that my socks wouldn't even go on! NOTHING fit me, it was horrifying! at least this time, i know to expect it. no one warned me the first time. c-sections are poopy! i can't wait til this is over and done with!
anyway- back to the dr. visit. i told Lisa (my nurse practitioner who i usually don't see, i usually see dr. lunt, but he was out of town) that i was seriously so depressed about this weight gain. I told her about the massive pelvic pain and round ligament pain that comes when i go on walks. She referred me to do physical therapy! she said something could be out of alignment, and if not, PT will help loosen me up a bit. She also highly recommended that i do water aerobics at this physical therapy place AND that she thinks medicaid will pay for it! wouldn't that be wonderful? andrew was ecstatic to hear about the PT, because as you know he's studying to be a PT Assistant. He's gonna come with me and watch what they do...it'll be good for both of us!
Anyway i am really just rambling on now. I'm just glad i got to talk to Lisa, she is much more sensitive to my little problems, unlike my Dr. (probably cause he's a guy) He would just say "oh that's normal"....uggghhh but that doesn't HELP me!
okay, i'm done.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Thoughts, fears, questions.
I've been thinking a lot about how things are going to change. well duh, what woman with a huge belly bump, massive pelvic pain, unsightly weight gain, no energy, and a super fun c-section to look forward to wouldn't be? hope that sentence makes sense.
i think about not only mason all the time and what he will be like, but i think of how life will change around here when he does make his arrival. will he have dark hair? blue eyes? brown eyes? grayish greenish hazel eyes like jax? will he have some great big weird birth mark covering half his body, or a strange tuft of hair on his body? i'm scared. with jaxon, i wasn't this scared about appearance. i thought i didn't have a reason to be. THEN jaxon came out and...YIKES! he was bruised and coneheaded and purple faced and well...not cute. sorry to say it, but every mom envisions giving birth to a beautiful newborn. call me "superficial" like andrew does, but i'm just speaking the truth. some newborns are actually cute. i've seen them.
anyway, that doesn't matter much. because jaxon started out pretty haggard, but now look at him! i look at his baby pictures and wonder how the heck he turned into the stud he is. so, thats good right? basically though, i want a healthy baby. with no huge problems to have to worry about and take care of for the rest of his life. yikes.
BUT THEN..more often, or equally often, i think of this: How on Earth am i going to split my love in two equal parts? surely, i will love one more than the other. and i'm thinking that will be jaxon. i can't see anyone replacing jaxon. and i don't want anyone to replace him! i don't want him to feel replaced! in a way, i feel like i am betraying him. oh , here's our new baby. you're not my baby anymore, sorry to ignore you. i was not this attached to jaxon for the first year of his life, i'll admit. but wow, that little boy has grown on me. i love him more than i ever knew i could, and i'm being honest. i'm not just saying that to sound good. i'll feel horrible if jaxon is always my favorite (because i've known him longer). what if i can never feel the same way about mason? andrew is worried we'll want to be with mason more, and not love jaxon as much. this is so hard! naturally, you'll like one kid more than the other. even though parents will deny it to their death, as i know i will. hopefully, andrew and i won't choose to favor the same one. but then what happens when there's 3 kids? Okay, i'm not gonna think about that right now.
does anyone have thoughts like this? or did you with your 2nd kid?
oh and tomorrow i'll be 30 weeks! yessss. that's only 9 weeks to go!
i think about not only mason all the time and what he will be like, but i think of how life will change around here when he does make his arrival. will he have dark hair? blue eyes? brown eyes? grayish greenish hazel eyes like jax? will he have some great big weird birth mark covering half his body, or a strange tuft of hair on his body? i'm scared. with jaxon, i wasn't this scared about appearance. i thought i didn't have a reason to be. THEN jaxon came out and...YIKES! he was bruised and coneheaded and purple faced and well...not cute. sorry to say it, but every mom envisions giving birth to a beautiful newborn. call me "superficial" like andrew does, but i'm just speaking the truth. some newborns are actually cute. i've seen them.
anyway, that doesn't matter much. because jaxon started out pretty haggard, but now look at him! i look at his baby pictures and wonder how the heck he turned into the stud he is. so, thats good right? basically though, i want a healthy baby. with no huge problems to have to worry about and take care of for the rest of his life. yikes.
BUT THEN..more often, or equally often, i think of this: How on Earth am i going to split my love in two equal parts? surely, i will love one more than the other. and i'm thinking that will be jaxon. i can't see anyone replacing jaxon. and i don't want anyone to replace him! i don't want him to feel replaced! in a way, i feel like i am betraying him. oh , here's our new baby. you're not my baby anymore, sorry to ignore you. i was not this attached to jaxon for the first year of his life, i'll admit. but wow, that little boy has grown on me. i love him more than i ever knew i could, and i'm being honest. i'm not just saying that to sound good. i'll feel horrible if jaxon is always my favorite (because i've known him longer). what if i can never feel the same way about mason? andrew is worried we'll want to be with mason more, and not love jaxon as much. this is so hard! naturally, you'll like one kid more than the other. even though parents will deny it to their death, as i know i will. hopefully, andrew and i won't choose to favor the same one. but then what happens when there's 3 kids? Okay, i'm not gonna think about that right now.
does anyone have thoughts like this? or did you with your 2nd kid?
oh and tomorrow i'll be 30 weeks! yessss. that's only 9 weeks to go!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Anothah update--but mostly whining.
There are a few things to update on. I am now 28 weeks,but i feel like i'm like 35. i knew i should have lost weight before getting pregnant. i have NO energy, my body apparently wasn't ready for this. i'm gaining weight like crazy, hopefully most of it is water so that i can instantly lose it after. I have lots of pelvic pressure, which doesn't feel good. i didn't have that with jax, at least not til the very end if i did. when i go on walks, i get these sharp pains in my sides. thats not very fun either. being overweight sucks! it causes crappy problems. its hard to move around, and breathe, and do ANYTHING! blah. i am already pretty sick of this. i was okay when i didn't feel like a big , useless blob, but now barely into the 3rd trimester, things are getting crappy.
I went to Labor and Delivery last monday because i thought i was leaking amniotic fluid. thanks to my awesome friend kim for being there to instantly help me out and drive me there (we're STILL doing the one car thing--super fun) Turns out i was just peeing my pants and not knowing it. Awesome. i guess the baby is sitting on my bladder, and i can't help it when pee comes out. it doesn't happen all the time, so thats good.
Yesterday I had an appt, and everything is fine with baby. I'm gaining lots of weight, but this was expected. i don't have pretty pregnancies, AT ALL! all i want to do is eat and sleep, all the time. and not exercise--no energy and its painful.
last night, my left boob started hurting pretty bad. especially if i don't wear a bra. only the one hurts. i called the doc this morning, and they are stumped, because i don't have a fever, which would mean an infection-mastitis. i feel okay. i know what an infection feels like, and i don't have any of those symptoms . yet anyway.
i don't sleep well at night anymore, so i just wanna take naps all day. its a bad cycle i've created. i wish my mom was closer so she could come cook, clean and entertain jax for me! wouldn't that be nice! i'm no good at being a grown up. i just want someone to baby me. Andrew is doing clinicals for 3 weeks. the days he's not doing clinicals , he's working at walmart DC 12 hour shifts. he's got a lot going on. then he comes home to a bored jaxon and a whiny me.
i can't really do photography anymore. i can't move around like i used to, therefore can't do as good of a job as i know i'm capable of, and that drives me nuts! especially when we could really use the money!
there are some good things. like jaxon usually lets me sleep when i want-- USUALLY. not today though. he'll watch cartoons or movies. he's pretty independent now, so thats a blessing. he's very demanding though, and can't entertain himself too well, so that's not too cool. andrew helps me out a lot when he's here. i can't imagine being a single mom! i'd rather be shot! and i have some really sweet neighbors and friends who are always willing to help me.
today's just bad because my boob hurts, i have this crappy pelvic pain, the sun isn't shining, i feel big and awkward and lazy and hungry, and i just want a freaking nap!!!
I went to Labor and Delivery last monday because i thought i was leaking amniotic fluid. thanks to my awesome friend kim for being there to instantly help me out and drive me there (we're STILL doing the one car thing--super fun) Turns out i was just peeing my pants and not knowing it. Awesome. i guess the baby is sitting on my bladder, and i can't help it when pee comes out. it doesn't happen all the time, so thats good.
Yesterday I had an appt, and everything is fine with baby. I'm gaining lots of weight, but this was expected. i don't have pretty pregnancies, AT ALL! all i want to do is eat and sleep, all the time. and not exercise--no energy and its painful.
last night, my left boob started hurting pretty bad. especially if i don't wear a bra. only the one hurts. i called the doc this morning, and they are stumped, because i don't have a fever, which would mean an infection-mastitis. i feel okay. i know what an infection feels like, and i don't have any of those symptoms . yet anyway.
i don't sleep well at night anymore, so i just wanna take naps all day. its a bad cycle i've created. i wish my mom was closer so she could come cook, clean and entertain jax for me! wouldn't that be nice! i'm no good at being a grown up. i just want someone to baby me. Andrew is doing clinicals for 3 weeks. the days he's not doing clinicals , he's working at walmart DC 12 hour shifts. he's got a lot going on. then he comes home to a bored jaxon and a whiny me.
i can't really do photography anymore. i can't move around like i used to, therefore can't do as good of a job as i know i'm capable of, and that drives me nuts! especially when we could really use the money!
there are some good things. like jaxon usually lets me sleep when i want-- USUALLY. not today though. he'll watch cartoons or movies. he's pretty independent now, so thats a blessing. he's very demanding though, and can't entertain himself too well, so that's not too cool. andrew helps me out a lot when he's here. i can't imagine being a single mom! i'd rather be shot! and i have some really sweet neighbors and friends who are always willing to help me.
today's just bad because my boob hurts, i have this crappy pelvic pain, the sun isn't shining, i feel big and awkward and lazy and hungry, and i just want a freaking nap!!!
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