Thoughts, fears, questions.

I've been thinking a lot about how things are going to change. well duh, what woman with a huge belly bump, massive pelvic pain, unsightly weight gain, no energy, and a super fun c-section to look forward to wouldn't be? hope that sentence makes sense.
i think about not only mason all the time and what he will be like, but i think of how life will change around here when he does make his arrival. will he have dark hair? blue eyes? brown eyes? grayish greenish hazel eyes like jax? will he have some great big weird birth mark covering half his body, or a strange tuft of hair on his body? i'm scared. with jaxon, i wasn't this scared about appearance. i thought i didn't have a reason to be. THEN jaxon came out and...YIKES! he was bruised and coneheaded and purple faced and well...not cute. sorry to say it, but every mom envisions giving birth to a beautiful newborn. call me "superficial" like andrew does, but i'm just speaking the truth. some newborns are actually cute. i've seen them.

anyway, that doesn't matter much. because jaxon started out pretty haggard, but now look at him! i look at his baby pictures and wonder how the heck he turned into the stud he is. so, thats good right? basically though, i want a healthy baby. with no huge problems to have to worry about and take care of for the rest of his life. yikes.

BUT THEN..more often, or equally often, i think of this: How on Earth am i going to split my love in two equal parts? surely, i will love one more than the other. and i'm thinking that will be jaxon. i can't see anyone replacing jaxon. and i don't want anyone to replace him! i don't want him to feel replaced! in a way, i feel like i am betraying him. oh , here's our new baby. you're not my baby anymore, sorry to ignore you. i was not this attached to jaxon for the first year of his life, i'll admit. but wow, that little boy has grown on me. i love him more than i ever knew i could, and i'm being honest. i'm not just saying that to sound good. i'll feel horrible if jaxon is always my favorite (because i've known him longer). what if i can never feel the same way about mason? andrew is worried we'll want to be with mason more, and not love jaxon as much. this is so hard!  naturally, you'll like one kid more than the other. even though parents will deny it to their death, as i know i will. hopefully, andrew and i won't choose to favor the same one. but then what happens when there's 3 kids? Okay, i'm not gonna think about that right now.

does anyone  have thoughts like this? or did you with your 2nd kid?


oh and tomorrow i'll be 30 weeks! yessss. that's only 9 weeks to go!

Anothah update--but mostly whining.

There are a few things to update on. I am now 28 weeks,but i feel like i'm like 35. i knew i should have lost weight before getting pregnant. i have NO energy, my body apparently wasn't ready for this. i'm gaining weight like crazy, hopefully most of it is water so that i can instantly lose it after. I have lots of pelvic pressure, which doesn't feel good. i didn't have that with jax, at least not til the very end if i did. when i go on walks, i get these sharp pains in my sides. thats not very fun either. being overweight sucks! it causes crappy problems. its hard  to move around, and breathe, and do ANYTHING! blah. i am already pretty sick of this. i was okay when i didn't feel like  a big , useless blob, but now barely into the 3rd trimester, things are getting crappy.


I went to Labor and Delivery last monday because i thought i  was leaking amniotic fluid. thanks to my awesome friend kim for being there to instantly help me out and drive me there (we're STILL doing the one car thing--super fun) Turns out i was just peeing my pants and  not knowing it. Awesome. i guess the baby is sitting on my bladder, and i can't help it when pee comes out. it doesn't happen all the time, so thats good.

Yesterday I had an appt,  and everything is fine with baby. I'm gaining lots of weight, but this was expected. i don't have pretty pregnancies, AT ALL! all i want to do is eat and sleep, all the time. and not exercise--no energy and its painful.

last night, my left boob started hurting pretty bad. especially if i don't wear a bra. only the one hurts. i called the doc this morning, and they are stumped, because i don't have a fever, which would mean an infection-mastitis. i feel okay. i know what an infection feels like, and i don't have any of those symptoms . yet anyway.

i don't sleep well at night anymore, so i just wanna take naps all day. its a bad cycle i've created. i wish my mom was closer so she could come cook, clean and entertain jax for me! wouldn't that be nice! i'm no good at being a grown up. i just want someone to baby me.  Andrew is doing clinicals for 3 weeks. the days he's not doing clinicals , he's working at walmart DC 12 hour shifts. he's got a lot going on. then he comes home to a bored jaxon and a whiny me.

i can't really do photography anymore. i can't move around like i used to, therefore can't do as good of a job as i know i'm capable of, and that drives me nuts! especially when we  could really use the money!


there are some good things. like jaxon usually lets me sleep when i want-- USUALLY. not today though. he'll watch cartoons or movies. he's pretty independent now, so thats a blessing. he's very demanding though, and can't entertain himself too well, so that's not too cool. andrew helps me out a lot when he's here. i can't imagine being a single mom! i'd rather be shot! and i have some really sweet neighbors and friends who are always willing to help me.

today's just bad because my boob hurts, i have this crappy pelvic pain, the sun isn't shining, i feel big and awkward and lazy and hungry, and i just want a freaking nap!!!

Update

There isn't much to update actually. this pregnancy has been pretty normal and quiet so far. We had another ultrasound to see Mason's heart and upper lip. he FINALLY cooperated enough to look at those things, and they look great! My sonographer is STILL bugging me about drinking water. Apparently i'm STILL not drinking enough! I'm drinking more everyday than i ever have in my entire life! what is the deal?? i'm SO sick of peeing every 5 minutes! During the ultrasound, Mason kept moving his little lips, like he was talking. it was the cutest thing ever! We sure are getting excited! 3 more months to go!

I made the mistake of looking at the scale.. dangit. something i told myself i wouldn't do. and yep..a couple hours of tears followed after that. i get SO DANG chunky when i'm pregnant. i retain water like no one's business. its sickening. no cute little "baby bump" for me. my WHOLE body is pregnant. yuck! when i go on walks, i get these stabbing pains in my belly, really not fun at all. the doc said its normal, and that i should do other exercises like a stationary bike..sure, does he wanna buy one for me?

other than the drinking problem and the weight gain, I am blessed to have such easy pregnancies. (knock on wood)

:)