I had such high hopes about breastfeeding. At first, everything was going great with it. Mason caught on quick, figured out how to latch on. i had sore nipples and it took 5 days for my milk to come in, but those seemed to be the only problems. and they were problems that would go away soon.
At about 10 days old, we thought maybe Mason had colic. he seemed to be eating fine (as far as i could tell), but something wasn't right. he'd just scream and scream. we found out finally that it was because he was still hungry! he had been feeding 10 minutes on one side every 3 hours for a few days, and seemed to be happy and getting what he needed, he had wet and poopy diapers, so i thought everything was fine. so, an hour after i fed him, i figured he wasn't screaming because he was still hungry. i thought it was something else. come to find out, he was hungry. He is a very lazy eater. What happens is he'll just fall asleep after a few minutes of eating. when he'd do that, i'd burp him and try to get him to eat more. sometimes undressing him, or tickling him to wake him up, but he wouldn't show that he wanted more...until 1/2hr-1hr later. SOOOOO frustrating. he wasn't sleeping either. it was all because (maybe- we're crossing our fingers that all the crying isn't colic-w'ere hoping it was just hunger) he was hungry!
As far as me, One side is still very sore, and now inverted because he only latches on to some of it. its VERY painful and i can't get him to do change the way he does it. the other side doesn't produce as much, or as quick, so he gets impatient and falls asleep. he won't try. he'd rather just sip every now and then. its pretty annoying! i can't do that. we tried a bottle, and he drank it faster (still kind of falling asleep, but its easier to wake him up when he's drinking a bottle) AND he was satisfied, AND slept for 3-4 hrs at a time! yay! AND quit the screaming.
I COULD spend another month trying to tackle this B**** called breastfeeding, but i don't really want to , to be honest. Jaxon is up early and requires full attention all day. Andrew will be working and going to school full time. i don't have the energy to spend hours breastfeeding. little boys are so stinky! they don't want to work for everything. jaxon was the same way, even lazier. he also couldn't figure out how to latch or swallow breastmilk. he just wanted to sleep, and he'd let it run out of the side of is mouth. ugh! He still hates eating!
I am kind of feeling guilty about it, like i should try harder, but right now i just want what's easy. i can't handle a 3year old and a husband that is gone all the time on top of a ornery lazy eating newborn. how do women do this? i swear, it just comes so natural for some.
what i do love about bottle feeding is-- to me is seems easier. and this is why. no guessing on how much baby is getting, you see what they get and you can keep track and know what to expect everytime. The dad or anyone else can help out with feedings while the mom sleeps or leaves or whatever. no leaky boobs, sore boobs, nursing pads, UGH! and that's probably all. luckily, we should get formula for free again through wic. i'm so thankful for that! i am going to pump for a little while longer, so he's getting the breastmilk and i'm burning calories. but really all i want is a happy, FULL baby!
i just had to write this so i could get my thoughts out and when i look back, know for sure why i did what i did.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Mason's birth story
I am writing this on very little sleep but i wanted to write it asap before i forget any little details.. This birth went waaaaaaay better than Jax's.
okay
July 31st, Sunday night
-------------------------
my mom comes to stay. i am up all night with a horrible toothache. i am thinking that i am not ready for this. the pregnancy has gone by way too fast! i can't believe its already time!
6:15 August 1st, monday morning
--------------------------
we get up. i haven't slept all night (or for the past 3 nights) because of a horrible toothache. i can't eat anything either because of surgery. sooo i'm pretty sick and tired. i was lucky enough to make it for awhile without throwing up. we get to the hospital, and they starting "prepping" me for the c-section. i do lots of paperwork, answer lots of questions, put a pretty gown on, and wait. and wait. my nurses were fabulous though, and very sensitive to my nausea problem. they have to prick me 3 times because they couldn't find a vein for the IV. meanwhile i'm very nauseous. i start throwing up and have a hard time stopping. it was horrible. once they found a vein, they started pumping vitamins into me and i instantly felt WAY better. i wait and wait some more. apparently i'm the 2nd c-section of the day which i'm not too happy about, i wanted to be the first because i get sooo sick when i don't eat. andrew is there with me, my mom and jax are at home sleeping.
8:20 ish am
-------------
FINALLY its time for them to wheel me down to the OR. I am soooo nervous this time. it was all the waiting and anticipation. They start prepping me more for the surgery. They wouldn't let Andrew in with me then for some reason, and i didn't like it. They give me the epidural, which freaks me out pretty bad. last time, i don't even remember feeling it. then i start to go numb, and the feeling of being out of control really made me anxious at first. i felt nauseous again, but was too numb to throw up. then, i couldn't feel anything, and it felt a bit better. They put the sheet up under my boobs so i couldn't see what they were doing (good thing) Dr. Lunt and a couple other surgeons started cutting into me. i couldn't feel a thing! it was great. last time i felt some tugging and pulling but no pain. this time, nothing. it seemed like it took awhile for them to get into me. they said i had a ton of scar tissue from last time. mason pooped in the amniotic sac, so it was green and sprayed all over the dr! oops! of course i didn't get to see any of this. they were worried about a possible infection , but later i found out everything was okay. it took a while for them to get him out, it seemed like. they had to pound on my chest a few times, which was a little painful , to pull him out. finally he was out. I , of course couldn't see anything. I told andrew to keep taking pictures, which was hard for him because he was in awe. they cleaned him up a bit, and did all the other stuff they do after a baby is born, then a few minutes later they showed him to me. at first, i thought he was SO TINY! and his head- its so small! i wondered if anything was wrong with him- his head was so small. they weighed him and he was 7lbs, 1oz. WHAT??? that's SO SMALL! no way! they did more stuff with him, then I heard talk of a "butt dimple". at first, i just thought, oh how cute! but no, this was serious. the dr.'s were concerned about spina bifada! yikes! we went a full day or two before finding out that it was nothing to worry about. andrew was more scared than i was, because he had learned all about spina bifada, even did a report about it in class last semester.
Finally, its time for them to give him to me, to keep! I held him skin to skin and there really is almost no greater feeling than that. with jax, i didn't get him right off like that. he spent some time in the NICU, (because of labor trauma), and i spent some time in another room sleeping i guess. i remember waking up mostly alone in a weird room and not knowing what was going on or where my baby was. i was also severely drugged up. Right away , Mason wanted to eat. uh-oh, its time to breastfeed. i was nervous for this because of my experience with Jax. breastfeeding jax didn't work out, it was a 2 and a half week struggle before i quit. this time, i couldn't believe how easily Mason understood the whole process. the lactation specialist was right there, showed me how to do it, and mason latched right on and drank! wow! we spent some time doing that together, alone. i didn't want anyone interruptions, i wanted to do this right. i made jax and my mom stay out for a few minutes while Mason and i did some skin to skin breastfeeding and bonding. it was wonderful. Andrew was right there with me the whole time.
then jax and my mom came in. Jax was at first curious, then scared. he saw some blood on mason's head and pointed that out first. he was concerned about me and mason. it must have appeared strange to him to see us laying in a bed in a weird room, almost naked looking, and me hooked up to a big IV. Jax calmed down , then was mesmerized by Mason. he touched him and smiled, and just looked like a big proud brother. it was such a sweet moment.
they wheeled me up to the room i'd be staying in for a few days. meanwhile, mason wanted to eat again. so, we did the breastfeeding again and succeeded! man, this baby was so easy to love! i didn't ever want to let him go. Andrew and i took turns snuggling him that day. jax quickly found interest in other things and got pretty hyper and restless in our tiny hospital room. my mom and andrew took turns taking him places. i wanted to hold and love my jax too. i didn't want him to feel less important or left out. luckily, he wasn't and hasn't shown many signs of that, YET.
the whole time, my nurses were GREAT. they were so thoughtful and helpful and prompt. last time, i wasn't so lucky with my nurses. i was sure to write the good things about them and turn it in when i left. i had a catheter for a day and a night, i think. then the next day, they took it out and i had to do the bathroom thing on my own. yikes! i remember the pain from last time and was NOT excited. Strangely, the pain was not bad. it was nothing like last time. they were very surprised at how well i was healing and able to get up. that night (the 1st night), they made me walk out in the hall. it was hard and i took it slow. still, the pain wasn't what it was last time. by day 2, i was up and walking pretty well and on my own (not holding onto andrew). and i was going to the bathroom on my own too! i had to wear some sexy underwear and 2 huge pads which felt like a diaper for awhile because i was bleeding , which is normal.
Jax brought me some pretty flowers that he chose out by himself. and my dad called in an order for flowers from a local florist. i didn't have any visitors, except Claudia & Daryl the 2nd day. I was okay with no visitors, i told my friends to NOT come visit me because i'd be so fat looking. BUT this time i didn't swell up really at all. maybe a little. not like last time. last time i gained probably 15lbs of water after jax! it was sooooo bad, and it last a couple weeks! this time was SO much better all around.
On the 2nd day, Mason and I started struggling with breastfeeding. he wasn't getting enough i don't think because my milk hadn't come in yet. he would suck and suck but lose interest! i don't blame him, poor guy! so we started supplementing with good start formula out of syringe WHILE he breastfed. my ultimate goal this time was breastfeeding. i wanted to get it down so bad! the nurses brought in an electric pump to stimulate me to try to get milk to come out for mason. nope, nothing. my milk finally came in the 5th day after birth. my nipples were getting pretty sore, which sucked sooo bad. when i got home, the one nipple got even worse, so bad that i couldn't breastfeed on that side, i had to pump. it was cracked and scabbed up. it hurt soooo freaking bad.
the hospital food sucked. worse than it sucked last time i think. i didn't have much of an appetite anyway though. i just wanted to drinks. I was able to come home Wednesday morning (the 3rd day), with jax i came home the 3rd afternoon. the nurses were surprised at how well i seemed to be healing and how much i could do on my own. i was proud of myself! this time, i wore something called an "abdominal binder" its like a bulky spanx type thing. it holds my stomach tightly together, and it helps my back feel better. i didn't have that last time. i love it, and still wear it ( a week after ).
My mom has been so much help with Jaxon. She also has been cooking and cleaning and buying us things that we need. its been so nice, and i am so thankful she is here and willing to help me so much.
Mason is a big time grunter. at the hospital he would make this squeaky toy noise when he cried. it made me and andrew crack up. then, he lost his voice. they say its because when he was born he had a little trouble breathing, and adapting. they told us to watch for good circulation that first day. he was fine. his cry was hoarse which sounded sad.
He is such a sweetheart and we all love him so much! Jaxon is very protective of him. he loves to hold him and feed him the bottle. he likes to "pet" his hair and give him kisses. i love these boys so much and am so grateful they have each other!
(i may add more to this later if i remember something important)
okay
July 31st, Sunday night
-------------------------
my mom comes to stay. i am up all night with a horrible toothache. i am thinking that i am not ready for this. the pregnancy has gone by way too fast! i can't believe its already time!
6:15 August 1st, monday morning
--------------------------
we get up. i haven't slept all night (or for the past 3 nights) because of a horrible toothache. i can't eat anything either because of surgery. sooo i'm pretty sick and tired. i was lucky enough to make it for awhile without throwing up. we get to the hospital, and they starting "prepping" me for the c-section. i do lots of paperwork, answer lots of questions, put a pretty gown on, and wait. and wait. my nurses were fabulous though, and very sensitive to my nausea problem. they have to prick me 3 times because they couldn't find a vein for the IV. meanwhile i'm very nauseous. i start throwing up and have a hard time stopping. it was horrible. once they found a vein, they started pumping vitamins into me and i instantly felt WAY better. i wait and wait some more. apparently i'm the 2nd c-section of the day which i'm not too happy about, i wanted to be the first because i get sooo sick when i don't eat. andrew is there with me, my mom and jax are at home sleeping.
8:20 ish am
-------------
FINALLY its time for them to wheel me down to the OR. I am soooo nervous this time. it was all the waiting and anticipation. They start prepping me more for the surgery. They wouldn't let Andrew in with me then for some reason, and i didn't like it. They give me the epidural, which freaks me out pretty bad. last time, i don't even remember feeling it. then i start to go numb, and the feeling of being out of control really made me anxious at first. i felt nauseous again, but was too numb to throw up. then, i couldn't feel anything, and it felt a bit better. They put the sheet up under my boobs so i couldn't see what they were doing (good thing) Dr. Lunt and a couple other surgeons started cutting into me. i couldn't feel a thing! it was great. last time i felt some tugging and pulling but no pain. this time, nothing. it seemed like it took awhile for them to get into me. they said i had a ton of scar tissue from last time. mason pooped in the amniotic sac, so it was green and sprayed all over the dr! oops! of course i didn't get to see any of this. they were worried about a possible infection , but later i found out everything was okay. it took a while for them to get him out, it seemed like. they had to pound on my chest a few times, which was a little painful , to pull him out. finally he was out. I , of course couldn't see anything. I told andrew to keep taking pictures, which was hard for him because he was in awe. they cleaned him up a bit, and did all the other stuff they do after a baby is born, then a few minutes later they showed him to me. at first, i thought he was SO TINY! and his head- its so small! i wondered if anything was wrong with him- his head was so small. they weighed him and he was 7lbs, 1oz. WHAT??? that's SO SMALL! no way! they did more stuff with him, then I heard talk of a "butt dimple". at first, i just thought, oh how cute! but no, this was serious. the dr.'s were concerned about spina bifada! yikes! we went a full day or two before finding out that it was nothing to worry about. andrew was more scared than i was, because he had learned all about spina bifada, even did a report about it in class last semester.
Finally, its time for them to give him to me, to keep! I held him skin to skin and there really is almost no greater feeling than that. with jax, i didn't get him right off like that. he spent some time in the NICU, (because of labor trauma), and i spent some time in another room sleeping i guess. i remember waking up mostly alone in a weird room and not knowing what was going on or where my baby was. i was also severely drugged up. Right away , Mason wanted to eat. uh-oh, its time to breastfeed. i was nervous for this because of my experience with Jax. breastfeeding jax didn't work out, it was a 2 and a half week struggle before i quit. this time, i couldn't believe how easily Mason understood the whole process. the lactation specialist was right there, showed me how to do it, and mason latched right on and drank! wow! we spent some time doing that together, alone. i didn't want anyone interruptions, i wanted to do this right. i made jax and my mom stay out for a few minutes while Mason and i did some skin to skin breastfeeding and bonding. it was wonderful. Andrew was right there with me the whole time.
then jax and my mom came in. Jax was at first curious, then scared. he saw some blood on mason's head and pointed that out first. he was concerned about me and mason. it must have appeared strange to him to see us laying in a bed in a weird room, almost naked looking, and me hooked up to a big IV. Jax calmed down , then was mesmerized by Mason. he touched him and smiled, and just looked like a big proud brother. it was such a sweet moment.
they wheeled me up to the room i'd be staying in for a few days. meanwhile, mason wanted to eat again. so, we did the breastfeeding again and succeeded! man, this baby was so easy to love! i didn't ever want to let him go. Andrew and i took turns snuggling him that day. jax quickly found interest in other things and got pretty hyper and restless in our tiny hospital room. my mom and andrew took turns taking him places. i wanted to hold and love my jax too. i didn't want him to feel less important or left out. luckily, he wasn't and hasn't shown many signs of that, YET.
the whole time, my nurses were GREAT. they were so thoughtful and helpful and prompt. last time, i wasn't so lucky with my nurses. i was sure to write the good things about them and turn it in when i left. i had a catheter for a day and a night, i think. then the next day, they took it out and i had to do the bathroom thing on my own. yikes! i remember the pain from last time and was NOT excited. Strangely, the pain was not bad. it was nothing like last time. they were very surprised at how well i was healing and able to get up. that night (the 1st night), they made me walk out in the hall. it was hard and i took it slow. still, the pain wasn't what it was last time. by day 2, i was up and walking pretty well and on my own (not holding onto andrew). and i was going to the bathroom on my own too! i had to wear some sexy underwear and 2 huge pads which felt like a diaper for awhile because i was bleeding , which is normal.
Jax brought me some pretty flowers that he chose out by himself. and my dad called in an order for flowers from a local florist. i didn't have any visitors, except Claudia & Daryl the 2nd day. I was okay with no visitors, i told my friends to NOT come visit me because i'd be so fat looking. BUT this time i didn't swell up really at all. maybe a little. not like last time. last time i gained probably 15lbs of water after jax! it was sooooo bad, and it last a couple weeks! this time was SO much better all around.
On the 2nd day, Mason and I started struggling with breastfeeding. he wasn't getting enough i don't think because my milk hadn't come in yet. he would suck and suck but lose interest! i don't blame him, poor guy! so we started supplementing with good start formula out of syringe WHILE he breastfed. my ultimate goal this time was breastfeeding. i wanted to get it down so bad! the nurses brought in an electric pump to stimulate me to try to get milk to come out for mason. nope, nothing. my milk finally came in the 5th day after birth. my nipples were getting pretty sore, which sucked sooo bad. when i got home, the one nipple got even worse, so bad that i couldn't breastfeed on that side, i had to pump. it was cracked and scabbed up. it hurt soooo freaking bad.
the hospital food sucked. worse than it sucked last time i think. i didn't have much of an appetite anyway though. i just wanted to drinks. I was able to come home Wednesday morning (the 3rd day), with jax i came home the 3rd afternoon. the nurses were surprised at how well i seemed to be healing and how much i could do on my own. i was proud of myself! this time, i wore something called an "abdominal binder" its like a bulky spanx type thing. it holds my stomach tightly together, and it helps my back feel better. i didn't have that last time. i love it, and still wear it ( a week after ).
My mom has been so much help with Jaxon. She also has been cooking and cleaning and buying us things that we need. its been so nice, and i am so thankful she is here and willing to help me so much.
Mason is a big time grunter. at the hospital he would make this squeaky toy noise when he cried. it made me and andrew crack up. then, he lost his voice. they say its because when he was born he had a little trouble breathing, and adapting. they told us to watch for good circulation that first day. he was fine. his cry was hoarse which sounded sad.
He is such a sweetheart and we all love him so much! Jaxon is very protective of him. he loves to hold him and feed him the bottle. he likes to "pet" his hair and give him kisses. i love these boys so much and am so grateful they have each other!
(i may add more to this later if i remember something important)
Monday, July 25, 2011
yikes -- 38 weeks
things are starting to hit me now. up until now, the big day has seemed so far away. i am having a baby in less than a week now. uhhhh... yikes? yes, i've waited forever for this! yes, i've endured all of this hot summer i possibly can. but am i ready? are we ready? i feel like i'm not ready. our 6 month inspection is on thursday. my c-section is on monday. today i am 38 weeks, and boy do i feel it. everyone mostly gives me looks and words of pity when they hear about me having to get a c-section. right now, i am grateful about it. i am happy that i won't have to wait til august 8th or later (most likely later) for labor to start on its own. no siree, not in this heat. i knew the heat would be miserable. but now i know miserable is not the right word for it. this heat is like death. seriously. if i go out in it, even just for a second. even to just get in and out of the car, i feel like i might die. or pass out. or throw up. or do all of those things. i will never again do this in the summer....purposely.
i feel so un-useful. i hate this. just THINKING about cleaning the house makes me tired. i am so big and so awkward that doing anything is a challenge. i cannot handle this! i feel so bad because andrew will have to do almost all of the cleaning for the inspection. good thing he has weekdays off. i wish this so called "nesting" thing would kick in for me! ahhhhh.
and then there's the part about the 3 year old i have. i am scared to be alone with him. he fights me. i cannot fight back. i have no energy. i feel like a horrible mom. i just want to sleep, he wants to play. ALLLLLLL DAYYYY. And now i am worried for him. will he think i don't love him anymore when i have this baby IN A WEEK? i want him to know we still love him. he is still my baby too...oh i feel like crying! the hormones! what a mess i am!
i feel so un-useful. i hate this. just THINKING about cleaning the house makes me tired. i am so big and so awkward that doing anything is a challenge. i cannot handle this! i feel so bad because andrew will have to do almost all of the cleaning for the inspection. good thing he has weekdays off. i wish this so called "nesting" thing would kick in for me! ahhhhh.
and then there's the part about the 3 year old i have. i am scared to be alone with him. he fights me. i cannot fight back. i have no energy. i feel like a horrible mom. i just want to sleep, he wants to play. ALLLLLLL DAYYYY. And now i am worried for him. will he think i don't love him anymore when i have this baby IN A WEEK? i want him to know we still love him. he is still my baby too...oh i feel like crying! the hormones! what a mess i am!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
36 weeks
wow, this was probably the crappiest visit ever!
we had to do the strep swab test. its where they stick a large q-tip in places..that aren't meant to have a q-tip in them. and it hurt!
no news. baby hasn't dropped. honestly, i don't know if he can with my small pelvis. jaxon never did. but this baby feels lower than jax...weird. i am not dilated like at all. i am doubting labor will come any sooner than august 1st. well, actually i'm betting i won't even go into labor, they'll do the c-section before any of that starts. which is good , in a way. but i was wanting this to just be over!!!
i asked the doc how big he thinks this baby will be and he said 7 1/2 to 8 lbs. jax was 8lbs 10oz, and the doc said, "i bet you'll have an 8 and a half lb baby" she was right! this one feels smaller, i think. so we'll see!
i can't sleep well at night AT ALL. it takes forever to fall asleep. andrew drives me nuts just being in there and i really wish i felt alright about kicking him out. he snores and takes up a lot of the bed. or, well i guess its me who's needing a lot of the bed now. i get heartburn and have to pee a lot in the night. so i do all my sleeping in the day. i hate how it feels. it feels like i'm missing out on life, but i feel so tired and out of it if i don't take naps! good thing andrew is home during the weekdays, he does fun things with jaxon, and gives me a break. its great! i don't know what i'd do without him!
we had to do the strep swab test. its where they stick a large q-tip in places..that aren't meant to have a q-tip in them. and it hurt!
no news. baby hasn't dropped. honestly, i don't know if he can with my small pelvis. jaxon never did. but this baby feels lower than jax...weird. i am not dilated like at all. i am doubting labor will come any sooner than august 1st. well, actually i'm betting i won't even go into labor, they'll do the c-section before any of that starts. which is good , in a way. but i was wanting this to just be over!!!
i asked the doc how big he thinks this baby will be and he said 7 1/2 to 8 lbs. jax was 8lbs 10oz, and the doc said, "i bet you'll have an 8 and a half lb baby" she was right! this one feels smaller, i think. so we'll see!
i can't sleep well at night AT ALL. it takes forever to fall asleep. andrew drives me nuts just being in there and i really wish i felt alright about kicking him out. he snores and takes up a lot of the bed. or, well i guess its me who's needing a lot of the bed now. i get heartburn and have to pee a lot in the night. so i do all my sleeping in the day. i hate how it feels. it feels like i'm missing out on life, but i feel so tired and out of it if i don't take naps! good thing andrew is home during the weekdays, he does fun things with jaxon, and gives me a break. its great! i don't know what i'd do without him!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Do i really wanna do this?
So, I'm reading up on breastfeeding and......YIKES!
um i guess i forgot how much to it there actually is.
it was such a horrible experience with jaxon, that i swore to myself i wouldn't put myself through that ever again. my c-section scar, and the way jax would kick it. the way the boppy didn't work with my like it was supposed to (i think i was too fat for it). the way jaxon WOULD NOT latch on, even with the help of a couple lactation specialists. the way i had to wear a nipple shield to get him to somewhat breastfeed, and even then it was still a fight. they way that even when he did latch on, he'd fall asleep, OR keep his mouth semi-open letting the milk run out of his mouth, into his ear, and all over my belly. or the boob infection i got because i was SO FULL of milk that wasn't being used. the soaked nursing pads that i'd go through about every hour. or the hours of pumping, then feeding it to him out of a bottle i had to do. and the colic. the never-ending screaming baby that would not be soothed.
years passed.
then i saw this girl on facebook who was really really skinny. i asked her HOW she got that way and she said breastfeeding! then (quite sometime later) i got pregnant and gained about 50 billion lbs. i wondered (and still do) if i'll ever have my body back. will i someday not look like an enormous whale? so, i considered breastfeeding. yeah, i'm selfish like that. instead of thinking of the baby's benefits i think of my own. could i go through all of that again to (maybe, because i'm not like every other girl) lose some of this weight?
i think: maybe this baby will be different? maybe he won't act like he was sent straight from hell to test me. maybe he'll be calm and WANT to TRY to breastfeed? maybe we can bond better? maybe it will turn out to be a good time for the both of us. (like the books say) i like to think it WILL become easier with time. i wont have to pack bottles and formula & find the nearest microwave to feed.
i am scared to death.
the more i read up on it, the more i realize how hellish this will be for awhile. the more i realize that even though this is "natural", it won't come natural to either one of us. there are so many things to focus on and remember. so many "techniques". so much of feeling and acting like a milk machine and less like a human being. feeding sometimes every hour? no! i will have no life! no trips? no dates?
its so hard because jaxon was and is perfectly healthy, and he didn't breastfeed. he is smart, rarely sick and well healthy! not because of breastfeeding!
yikes.
the good thing about bottle feeding is, Andrew helped out as much as i did with it. we took turns a lot of the time. he had his bonding time too. it was GREAT for me! knowing how great that was, how can i do this? its all me here. no help.
i am going to try it. but if things don't go well, i won't beat myself up about it.
tell me, all of you mothers: what are your thoughts and experiences about breastfeeding?
um i guess i forgot how much to it there actually is.
it was such a horrible experience with jaxon, that i swore to myself i wouldn't put myself through that ever again. my c-section scar, and the way jax would kick it. the way the boppy didn't work with my like it was supposed to (i think i was too fat for it). the way jaxon WOULD NOT latch on, even with the help of a couple lactation specialists. the way i had to wear a nipple shield to get him to somewhat breastfeed, and even then it was still a fight. they way that even when he did latch on, he'd fall asleep, OR keep his mouth semi-open letting the milk run out of his mouth, into his ear, and all over my belly. or the boob infection i got because i was SO FULL of milk that wasn't being used. the soaked nursing pads that i'd go through about every hour. or the hours of pumping, then feeding it to him out of a bottle i had to do. and the colic. the never-ending screaming baby that would not be soothed.
years passed.
then i saw this girl on facebook who was really really skinny. i asked her HOW she got that way and she said breastfeeding! then (quite sometime later) i got pregnant and gained about 50 billion lbs. i wondered (and still do) if i'll ever have my body back. will i someday not look like an enormous whale? so, i considered breastfeeding. yeah, i'm selfish like that. instead of thinking of the baby's benefits i think of my own. could i go through all of that again to (maybe, because i'm not like every other girl) lose some of this weight?
i think: maybe this baby will be different? maybe he won't act like he was sent straight from hell to test me. maybe he'll be calm and WANT to TRY to breastfeed? maybe we can bond better? maybe it will turn out to be a good time for the both of us. (like the books say) i like to think it WILL become easier with time. i wont have to pack bottles and formula & find the nearest microwave to feed.
i am scared to death.
the more i read up on it, the more i realize how hellish this will be for awhile. the more i realize that even though this is "natural", it won't come natural to either one of us. there are so many things to focus on and remember. so many "techniques". so much of feeling and acting like a milk machine and less like a human being. feeding sometimes every hour? no! i will have no life! no trips? no dates?
its so hard because jaxon was and is perfectly healthy, and he didn't breastfeed. he is smart, rarely sick and well healthy! not because of breastfeeding!
yikes.
the good thing about bottle feeding is, Andrew helped out as much as i did with it. we took turns a lot of the time. he had his bonding time too. it was GREAT for me! knowing how great that was, how can i do this? its all me here. no help.
i am going to try it. but if things don't go well, i won't beat myself up about it.
tell me, all of you mothers: what are your thoughts and experiences about breastfeeding?
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
35 weeks checkup
on the 4th of July, i was exactly 35 weeks! that means 4 weeks to go! wow.
this pregnancy has been different. i'm carrying mason lower than jax. the pelvic pain and pressure wasn't there with jax, but today i heard that was all normal. my belly doesn't "pop" as much with this baby and i think its because i was bigger to start with this time than last time. that baby has a lot of room in my big belly i guess. he is also less active than jaxon was. jaxon was constantly moving by this point, kicking the CRAP out of my ribs and everywhere else. this baby doesn't move as much or as hard, so i told my doc. about it today and they did an ultra sound and a stress test on baby. everything looked fine! my amniotic fluid is 11 and higher than ever! which is surprising, because i don't feel like i've been doing that great of a job drinking water. but i have been trying to drink water, not pop, because i know pop dehydrates you! we got to see mason's cute little face, he looks like jax! it was so crazy, i wanted to cry. i can't wait to meet that man!
i'm also thinking i'm slightly anemic. my mom has it during pregnancy, so i might too. the dr. says my iron is a bit low, which would explain why i am like CRAZY tired lately. more tired than is normal. so i'll start taking iron supplements.
my c-section is planned for august 1st FOR SURE now. i'm really hoping i'll go early! wouldn't that be nice. we're getting mason's room finished up, and its getting SO exciting!
that's the latest and greatest. baby is very healthy!
this pregnancy has been different. i'm carrying mason lower than jax. the pelvic pain and pressure wasn't there with jax, but today i heard that was all normal. my belly doesn't "pop" as much with this baby and i think its because i was bigger to start with this time than last time. that baby has a lot of room in my big belly i guess. he is also less active than jaxon was. jaxon was constantly moving by this point, kicking the CRAP out of my ribs and everywhere else. this baby doesn't move as much or as hard, so i told my doc. about it today and they did an ultra sound and a stress test on baby. everything looked fine! my amniotic fluid is 11 and higher than ever! which is surprising, because i don't feel like i've been doing that great of a job drinking water. but i have been trying to drink water, not pop, because i know pop dehydrates you! we got to see mason's cute little face, he looks like jax! it was so crazy, i wanted to cry. i can't wait to meet that man!
i'm also thinking i'm slightly anemic. my mom has it during pregnancy, so i might too. the dr. says my iron is a bit low, which would explain why i am like CRAZY tired lately. more tired than is normal. so i'll start taking iron supplements.
my c-section is planned for august 1st FOR SURE now. i'm really hoping i'll go early! wouldn't that be nice. we're getting mason's room finished up, and its getting SO exciting!
that's the latest and greatest. baby is very healthy!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Doc. Visit
Now I'm down to Dr. appts for every two weeks! boo-yah! its getting closer...
On June 1st i went in for a visit and made the mistake AGAIN of looking at that dang stupid scale. and yep, the number was soooo high. like really, so high. i have gained so much freaking weight. i knew this would happen, but man , its really not easy for me to cope with at all! its not like i sit and eat all day like a total slob. i really don't. i have a good appetite, always have, but geez louise. with jax i gained 52 lbs. 30 of it dropped off right after because it was water weight. this time, i think i'll gain even MORE than that, and i'm hoping its just water weight again and that it will drop off. the really terrifying thought is that i get even FATTER right after the c-section. i swell up like a whale, not even joking. in fact, if you are planning on visiting me in the hospital, please please please don't! i love you but you will never think of me the same. you won't recognize me. its that bad. last time, my feet got so big right after that my socks wouldn't even go on! NOTHING fit me, it was horrifying! at least this time, i know to expect it. no one warned me the first time. c-sections are poopy! i can't wait til this is over and done with!
anyway- back to the dr. visit. i told Lisa (my nurse practitioner who i usually don't see, i usually see dr. lunt, but he was out of town) that i was seriously so depressed about this weight gain. I told her about the massive pelvic pain and round ligament pain that comes when i go on walks. She referred me to do physical therapy! she said something could be out of alignment, and if not, PT will help loosen me up a bit. She also highly recommended that i do water aerobics at this physical therapy place AND that she thinks medicaid will pay for it! wouldn't that be wonderful? andrew was ecstatic to hear about the PT, because as you know he's studying to be a PT Assistant. He's gonna come with me and watch what they do...it'll be good for both of us!
Anyway i am really just rambling on now. I'm just glad i got to talk to Lisa, she is much more sensitive to my little problems, unlike my Dr. (probably cause he's a guy) He would just say "oh that's normal"....uggghhh but that doesn't HELP me!
okay, i'm done.
On June 1st i went in for a visit and made the mistake AGAIN of looking at that dang stupid scale. and yep, the number was soooo high. like really, so high. i have gained so much freaking weight. i knew this would happen, but man , its really not easy for me to cope with at all! its not like i sit and eat all day like a total slob. i really don't. i have a good appetite, always have, but geez louise. with jax i gained 52 lbs. 30 of it dropped off right after because it was water weight. this time, i think i'll gain even MORE than that, and i'm hoping its just water weight again and that it will drop off. the really terrifying thought is that i get even FATTER right after the c-section. i swell up like a whale, not even joking. in fact, if you are planning on visiting me in the hospital, please please please don't! i love you but you will never think of me the same. you won't recognize me. its that bad. last time, my feet got so big right after that my socks wouldn't even go on! NOTHING fit me, it was horrifying! at least this time, i know to expect it. no one warned me the first time. c-sections are poopy! i can't wait til this is over and done with!
anyway- back to the dr. visit. i told Lisa (my nurse practitioner who i usually don't see, i usually see dr. lunt, but he was out of town) that i was seriously so depressed about this weight gain. I told her about the massive pelvic pain and round ligament pain that comes when i go on walks. She referred me to do physical therapy! she said something could be out of alignment, and if not, PT will help loosen me up a bit. She also highly recommended that i do water aerobics at this physical therapy place AND that she thinks medicaid will pay for it! wouldn't that be wonderful? andrew was ecstatic to hear about the PT, because as you know he's studying to be a PT Assistant. He's gonna come with me and watch what they do...it'll be good for both of us!
Anyway i am really just rambling on now. I'm just glad i got to talk to Lisa, she is much more sensitive to my little problems, unlike my Dr. (probably cause he's a guy) He would just say "oh that's normal"....uggghhh but that doesn't HELP me!
okay, i'm done.
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